Its OK to Talk Sh#t About the Rest of the World (Just not in Public)

A new report from the Huffington Post this weekend discloses the details of leaked documents, which the ole' government might have wanted to keep under wraps. Yes, the burn book of world leaders was made public via Wikileaks and the government ( our government) is turning red in embarrassment. Not such a good idea to air your dirty laundry, or that of others countries for that matter, in the street. Especially, when the always "diplomatic" America is tryin' to make nice-nice with its fellow countries. Oh brother...

Yup, we got all the major players in the docs talking not so nicely about the not so stable countries, Iran, North Korea, Afganistan, Pakistan. This is a major whoops for this administration and brings the kinda heat that Obama doesn't really need right now. With sentiments from Saudi Arabia's King Abdullah pressing the U.S. to "cut off the head of the snake" by taking action against Iran's nuclear program. Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi described as "feckless" and "vain." German Chancellor Angela Merkel dismissed as "risk averse and rarely creative." Its not looking good for American diplomacy.

If there is ever a Joke to be had, this is a BIG one. Good luck to dear Hilary, (Clinton that is) in sorting this mess out. Pissed off foreign dignitaries are not the easiest bunch to deal with. Quite honestly if I were you, I'd be scared. Next time you want to keep a burn book concerning world politics dear ole' Government, make sure that that thing is buried deep in a maximum security facility under the biggest lock and key you can find. Ya information Wikileakin', swiss cheese security, spilt milk to cry over havin' JOKES!!!!!

Cyber Monday: The Holiday Vortex

With the retail massacre of Black Friday, behind us, America now looks to Cyber Monday to give that extra economic boost. Yes, if companies don't get you to cram into their stores and break a hip, as you chuck money from your wallet at any available register for the last Shake Weight, they lure you online so you can snag that rare limited edition Furby.

I can tell you now that I will not be one of those people online, shopping for crap to give my friends and relatives for Christmas. I will not be that person who gets snagged into buying the 500 Ipad because it's the last one left that I can personally monogram. It's not the last one left. You know that they have thousands waiting in the rafters. They just want to drain you dry, so that you remember how poor you really are. So that your credit card companies know how much they can collect in late fees. So that little Timmy gets bread and water for his Christmas dinner and you get air pudding and wind pie.

Don't worry, your new Xbox Connect will comfort you both in your starvation. If Black Friday is the retail massacre, Cyber Monday is the vulture coming back for seconds. I wish all you dopes luck on this tragic Monday, as you sink further into debt. Good Luck on your shopping adventures ya shop till ya drop, credit card circle, lay away jokes!

Its Palin's World, We Just Live In It

Can someone please tear the Palins off my television! For some reason, every time I turn it on, I am forced to hear that dreaded Palin name. I must admit I was excited like the rest of America when I heard that Sarah Palin had a new reality show. But the excitement quickly dissipated ten minutes into the deep fishing, moose-killing, great wilderness, "I'm like every other American that has no idea what's going on beyond my log cabin and frozen pond", snooze fest that is Sarah Palin's Alaska. Apparently America agrees with me as the show's ratings dropped 40 percent from week one to week two.

For some reason, the Palin family just doesn't seem to get it. No Bristol we don't care that you lost the title of DWTS to a dirty dancing wash-up. That your depraved baby daddy is trying to shop around his joke of a reality show (sorry about that whole mess, girl... yikes). No Willow, it is not OK for you to spew homophobic slurs on Facebook, when you mother is (sadly) as high profile as Sarah Palin. NO Sarah you shouldn't continue to expose your children to the limelight, to promote your own brand. Yes, you are exploiting them!

This current Palin hoopla is attributed to only a few of the Palin clan, and I already want to wrangle them all up and cast them off on an iceberg to oblivion. I better not see her other 35 (estimation) children show their face on another network, or I think my brain is going explode from the sheer simple minded spectacle that is the Palin family. Please for god sake let this epidemic die. Let this talentless, cognitively deprived, Alaskan Brady Bunch cast off into the icy sunset of Juno and leave me and my television be.

Oh, and if Sarah Palin dare run for president, I would hope that America has enough sense to stop her at the primary before they let this "wholesome" act get out of hand. It's one thing to make an old backed up prude look a little warmer to his constituency by being on his ticket. It is quite another thing when you let the village idiot become the leader of the free world. I just can't. God help all us Jokes! This woman has to be stopped!

The Big O Gots to Go!

The most popular daytime talk show host is starting to rear around the bin with her final "Favorite Things" episode, which aired this past Friday. Yes, that is right, unfortunately you will not be one of those lucky crazed people in her audience, who hysterically jump up and down, as Oprah tells them about their spa trip, or the Ralph Lauren cardigan, or Royal Caribbean cruise, or home convection oven, or state of the art jet pack, or personal air craft, or diamond encrusted pear shaped vase, or trip to mars ( I think you get the point). No, there will be no more couch jumping, or exclusive Oprah/Crack-tastic Whitney interviews. No Oprah and Gayle road trips across America. No more Doctor Oz showing us how backed up we are. No Julia Roberts interview, or John Travolta interview, or Julia Roberts interview, or John Travolta interview (because they happen at least twice a year). Nope, that will soon be a distant memory.

So some of you are probably asking the question, what the hell are the lowly housewives gonna' do now, with their 4:00pm time slot. How will they ever manage to find the perfect diet plan, the right book for the week, or the right place to eat in po dunk Alabama. If Oprah's not there, who will tell them? You know who? The dozen or so other outlets Oprah has established for herself over the years! Thats who.

Cable companies should be sending Oprah a BIG thank you basket, as countless numbers of women are signing up just to check out her new network (OWN). She has one of the most popular magazines out, which your mom and mine are currently reading and eating every word up like a rich chocolate Haagen Daz bar with almonds. She has dipped her hand into producing movies, which I am sure her name will continually show up on whatever Tyler Perry comes up with. Oprah isn't leaving, she is making sure that her brand, her face, and her legend will withstand the test of time. Quite honestly, it makes me sick. She is the most unimaginable, gravitational, women magnate ever! She has a large base that will follow her wherever she goes, for years to come. Here I am just tryin' to get some of you jokes to read my lil' ole blog (believe me, I'm happy if there's one follower let alone millions).

Here is to an eternity with you Oprah, ya African school openin', charity cash chuckin', life changin', heavenly power havin', president elect influencin', "every body gets a car" bellowing, prolific Joke.

This isn't goodbye, it's hello to you dominating media like nobody's business. We're all watching, as you keep ascending. Jeez...

On a Very Special These Jokes: If Men are from Mars, You Jokes are from Deep Space

For those of you who haven't guessed, These Jokes is run with a man at its helm. However, a woman's perspective can always add a little something extra to any project. You know, just the right level of complexity. It is nesting season once again, and jokes all over the place are looking to find that "someone for right now" to snuggle up to during the chilly winter months. As it would turn out boys and girls, it is also the season where I find that a lot of women begin to complain about the status of the relationships, or lack their of.

I sit down exclusively with friend to These Jokes, and single gal pal Ms Wonderful, to hash out why exactly it is so hard in the nesting months, for women to find contentment in whatever situation they are in. Why do I have so many of my female friends coming up to me during this period and asking me why men aren't clambering at their feet, if they are so perfect and so wonderful (their words, not mine)? I thought bringing in a female perspective while I tried to play "Doctor Love" would really help steer ya jokes in the right direction.

Hey Ms. Wonderful, How you feelin' today?

Good. I got a B+ on my paper and one of my classes was canceled!

Great!

So we are on the topic of women, relationships, or lack thereof. How do you, as a single women, describe your personal engagement with men?

Well most of my friends, here at the university I attend are gay, so I am the epitome of a fag hag. My friendships with straight men consist of me being "one of the guys". That or I just hook up with them and nothing further develops.

Oh, I see... Do you have a type?

Straight(ha ha). I also enjoy the chase, so I guess you could say I kind of am drawn to the unavailable.

Do you think that this might be a factor in you not finding Mr. Right, because you chase Mr. Wrong?

Yes. I chase Mr. Gay (LOL)

Huh, Why do you think it is that women like to fix a guy? Why not stick with the low maintenance variety?

Ooo, that's a good question. I think every girl has this notion that she can be the one to finally fix a guy, but who are we kidding? They can't be fixed unless they want to be, and if we have to fix someone, we probably shouldn't be with them. And why do I stray away from the low maintenance type you ask? Because they're boring!

Well, what has been some of your experiences in the past?

If they're not gay, they're taken. If they're not taken, they just want [cookies]. And if they just want [cookies] do not expect a text anytime before 12 AM. From my experience with guys, I have learned that I should just stop caring about all of them. But, that is easier said than done. Here is my summary about guys, you can't find Mr. Right until you sift through a whole bunch of Mr. Wrongs.

Ok, as a friend, I am sympathetic to my friend's predicament. As Doctor Love however, I have to give her efforts an F. This F does not necessarily stand for failure, but it stands for fix. It stands for fear. It stands for fake. If you are a woman who wants to be in a relationship, you have to relinquish the notion of a "perfect man". He does not exist. He is as common as a flying unicorn. Your first step is to understand that you can not fix another person, let alone a man. You can try, oh how you can try, but there is absolutely no chance of you single-handedly turning a man's life around. He is not (contrary to belief) a dog. Stop trying to fix him.

Now if you encounter a suitor who catches your eye, but requires the maintenance of uh, I don't know, three five year olds suffering from ADD, it is a good idea, at this moment, to pay attention to your panic button. Whether you realize it or not, it has been pressed. Run with lightening speed in the opposite direction. This is the douche bag you jokes desperately need to avoid.

Now for the second F, fear. Do not be afraid of the nice guy. I know he is like the puppy in the back of the store with the slight limp, which kind of stinks, but he is the guy you want. While you may get a thrill out of being with the ass hole, you will also get countless hours of crying to your girlfriends about how he doesn't treat you right. Of course he doesn't. He is not fun! He is a well disguised trap and you're just another target, notch on his bed post, panty in his draw, or which ever analogy speaks to you.

Now for F number three, fake. Contrary to what you may believe, men do not like to play games! We are a simple minded people. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Anything outside of these bounds will only confuse us.

Please, Please, Please ladies do not get discouraged during these couple of months. It may take a while to find what you are truly looking for, but be OK with that. Come spring you will want to be single anyway. Take comfort in this. For those of you who have boyfriends, good luck. That brings further complication that can't possibly be addressed in this post. So what, there is no prince charming to fulfill your every desire, pick you up on his mighty stead, or place a dainty slipper on your foot. It is not that big of deal. Get a grip ya joke!

-A note from your resident Doctor

Hey! I know what will bring your spirits up!

Lil Jon Made Sesame Street Dangerous

Lil' Jon has taken an innocent song about having fun on every kid's favorite street, and made it a hood nightmare. This video is not appropriate for children. However, it is extremely funny and offensively ignorant at the same time.



I don't think Big Bird and the gang will be too happy about this one. Lets pray that the little ones don't pick up on this and start gettin' grown up with their Kids Bobbin'.

All in all a Youtube gem!

Kanye Kanye Kanye... (This Joke Just Keeps Gettin' Better!)

Matt Lauer interviewed Kanye West recently about statements made against former President George Bush. In the interview, Lauer shows a clip of another recent interview he did with the former president, which showed Bush's sentiment about the remarks made by Kanye. To put it lightly, Kanye was not too pleased with the anchor's use of media.

In essence, a whole lot a mess went down, hilarity ensued and I almost wet myself. This interview was something else. What everyone can learn from it is that Kanye's ego is so massive that there is no circumstance in which he feels that he has done something wrong. There is no circumstance which he is willing to apologize for. The man lives in his own world. I can't even begin to describe Kanye's thought process. The fact that he can't even acknowledge a single mistake made on his part, without over justifying the circumstances in which he made it, is just baffling. This interview, my friends, is one of those little golden moments on television. Somehow, Kanye never fails to deliver.

Hey Kanye you rap, entertainment, high concept, man on moon, head through the clouds, reaching for deep space joke! When you are being interviewed about the very public flubs you have partaken in the past few years, expect to see a few video clips. Expect that people will be offended by your assbackward remarks. Expect Matt Lauer to play those clips as you try to over justify yourself. Expect something YA Joke!

Conan is Back! But I Don't Care

Conan O'Brien debuted his new show Conan last night on TBS. OK, I know Conan has a pretty big following and I'm sure to his fans, his show is as good as ever. However, I have never liked Conan and could care less about his return. Yeah, he got a pretty raw deal from NBC but still, I don't know, I'm just not laughin'. His sidekick Andy Ritcher, was pretty funny, but I just couldn't bring myself to laugh at Conan's drawn out monologue about how NBC gave him the ole' heave hoe.

His first guest was Seth Rogan, who if I'm not mistaken, has lost his funny in addition to the lbs he has lost. His second guest was Lea Machele from Glee and she was about as interesting as dry toast. I didn't even make it to the performance of Jack White, which I'm sure was great, but at that point I was through. Good luck Conan on the new show and new network. I'm sure you will be the shining star that everyone tells me you are. Ya late night, network -hoppin' joke!

These Jokes: Favorite Things (Oprah Ain't the Only One)

If Oprah can do her favorite crap for people to waste their money on, than so can I. Listen up, ya jokes, here is a few things that I can absolutely not live without. Seriously, life is not complete or funny for that matter, if one of these things are missing from my life. I recently lost a loved one and it cut deep. I woke up this morning to find that my cell phone was waterlogged from leaving it on my a/c. R.I.P. little guy, I'm gonna miss you. I will have to get another phone and soon, but I will surely miss all the special moments we've had together (even though you were really a piece of crap phone anyway). Tragic cellular death aside, here we go:

1) Cell Phone: A drunk text can go from bad to worse depending on the phone you have. Beware of the touch screen! People mock you openly when they receive a drunk text as follows: hwoshihfhihosjiojsmnmskjskjakka sexy fjlijjjsopsjopsjpjak love uuususs. OK, maybe it's not that crazy, but still life is not complete these days without a phone in hand. Whether it be the Iphone, the Droid phones, or a Blackberry, if your relevant, your are having generous face time with a device of this sort. (miss you Samung Glyde)

2) Ipod: A well tuned music device is a must. Think about it, what if you are tired of listening to jokes ranting in your ear on the subway about how their lives are miserable. Really? I don't care buddy. Enter the music device. The absolute perfect item to divert common annoyances. I personally rock the all purpose Ipod, but if your like 80, I hear the Zune is good too. (hahhahaha, really there are no other devices, after the Ipod)



3) Laptop: Whether you're a PC guy like me, or a band wagon Apple laptop loser, a laptop is a must in my book. There isn't a moment in time where I haven't wanted to jump on the internet, Google something, catch a missed TV show, or just mess around simply out of boredom. My laptop is my go to gadget and for now, primary source of communication with the world.


These are the three devices I turn to, to get through day-to-day non-sense. I'm sure one, if not all, are apart of your daily routine and would be very hard for you to part with. Before I leave to bury my cell phone in the electronic graveyard, give a shout out to some of the things you jokes can't live without. (I better be on that list somewhere, ya information age, technology junkie,web savvy JOKES!!!)

Weezys Free! (Lil' Wayne for the Less Enthusiastic)

Yes, my friends this free stylin' joke is out of jail and early! I'm sure there are young wanksta's everywhere rejoicing at the news. Even funnier though, are these release parties that are springin' up all over the place. Lil' Wayne gets out of jail and everyone picks up a 40 to rejoice.

Truly a golden moment, when we celebrate our favorite rapper's release from jail. Really? Whats next, a re-release party for TI, who didn't manage to stay out of jail for too long. I guess he just missed talkin' to people behind three inches of glass. In any case, Lil' Wayne is free so lets all put a bottle of something in the air, pour a little out for the homies that passed and celebrate the return of this rap superstar. Cheers! Ya jokes.


Take a listen to his new single Right Above It from his new album Im Not a Human Being:

Election Day (I Pity the Fool Who Ain't Votin'!)

So today is election day in states across the country. Whether it is for governor, house rep, or senator y'all need to get out there and be counted. It's the one time of year where you feel like the government gives a damn. About who? I don't really know, but politicians sure seem to get riled up during election time. It's always a scramble to the very end and I love it. So go out you joke and be the joke, to vote for another joke, who will be running and creating jokes for at least a few years. Ah politics. Got to love it!

Now here is some patriotic music to get you motivated, sung by the ever crazy, true blue American, Whitney Houston!

Another Disney Starlet Bites the Dust...

So a new report has come out saying Disney's princess Demi Lovato has checked into rehab for "emotional and phyiscal issues". I am telling you guys, Disney is nothing but a suger coated pimp. They use you to till your worn out and just like that, they throw you away. Think about it, Lindsey Lohan, Hilary Duff ( yeah she has remained drug free but what's goin' on with her career?) and all the other bad seeds that have traveled through the Disney starlet mill.

I have to wonder how these kids are, in real life. You see them all glossed up with the Disney sparkle, but with all that pressure to be perfect little robots, they must be a little crazy. Right? Well Demi, when your not skippin' around in a Camp Rock movie of the week, try to take it easy so you don't end up like that other joke. You know, the one who needs PETA to flip her rehab bill in exchange for her becoming a vegan. Yeah. That one. Don't get too rapped up in the Disney game. Ya not so happy- go- lucky joke!

Anjulie Melodically Flips You Off Better Than Cee-lo

I was introduced to this version of Cee-lo's F*ck You a while back and thought you jokes should take a listen. This artist hails from Canada and has such a unique voice. She's very mellow. I wouldn't want a girl to hate on me any other way. Anjulie, we might have to watch out for you. Dope!

Kanye Gettin' All Epic on Us (I Don't Have the Time)

Kanye West has come out with a new video Runaway, that is 30 minutes long. The video samples all the songs from his upcoming album. Its suppose to be super "high concept". Honestly I can't make it past the first 2 minutes, so I'm gonna need y'all to tell me how this is. This post is for jokes who have time to watch this fool run around for 30 minutes. I hope you get more joy out of it than I did. Oh! Those diamond fronts he's rockin'are permanent . The man lives in the clouds...

Listen in Ya Joke!: 5 Reasons Why You May be a Winter Wonder Joke

So I don't know if anyone else noticed, but its been gettin' cold out lately. Winter is about to rear its ugly head and I thought it be a good time to let you jokes how you should dress this winter.This is not a fashion tutorial. This is for those jokes who like to think that wearing little to no clothing in the winter months is an option. So without further a due, lets get started:

1) Flip flops are not boots. Do not think its ok to travel in a blizzard in flip flops. Its not like you just touched down in Miami. If you did, good for you, the rest of us are freezing.

2) Uggs are winter appropriate, the added jean skirt, not so much. Exposure of your legs in 30 degree weather makes people think,"doesn't this idiot know its cold outside".

3) Just because you decided to rap a scarf around your neck over your a t-shirt, does not mean your ready for the winter elements. While you neck maybe toasty, the frostbite you suffered in the rest of body will not be fun.

4) Layers are necessary. If you arrive inside and only have one thing to remove from your body, it better be a well lined parka, otherwise your doing it wrong.

5) Last but not least a very basic rule. Put something on your head! I don't care what it is. If you wanna fashion it out of paper machay, go for it. Just make sure somthing is there. If ya didn't realize, all your body heat travels out your dome. If you think you're immune to flu, you're not. I will be damned if your sneezing on me...

Go out and enjoy winter while being warm ya short wearing, flip-floppen, "no im not cold, I always shake like a chihuahua " joke!