A Holiday Greating That Warms Your Heart

SNL spoofed the straight up crazy holiday Kardashian Christmas card this past Saturday. You know, the one where the whole family looks like they are on the set of Dynasty. I guess the Kardashian crew wanted to have bit of fun. Hey, who else can say that their family Christmas card not only made the news, but got a spoof on SNL? You got to love those crazy, reality show having, epic Christmas jokes!

Another Year, Another Problem

So with the rap up of another long year, I have had a pondering question on my mind. It is clear that my main man President Obama has fallen from grace. His approval rating is at an all time low. I ask why? What in the hell did you jokes think you were getting, when you signed up for this president? The man walked in to the position being the first of his kind. He faced the type of adversity that most other presidents haven't.

He had not one, but two wars he had to deal with. He had an economy increasingly swirling into the abyss, that is the bottom of the toilet. To top it all off, he had the near impossible task of keeping all of his constituencies, nearly each and every American happy. I cannot believe the sentiment coming from some of you jokes. Yes the man is not perfect. Of course he can do more. However, don't you jokes know that the political process is slower than the kids on the short bus, your 90 year old grandma trying to get up the stairs, or the bumper to bumper traffic, at rush hour, during a holiday weekend, put together?

It is outstanding that this man could get a bill as large and controversial as the health care bill passed. The fact that he has done even more than that, amazes me (bipartisan tax bill, don't ask don't tell repeal). I have to question the competency of voters. You elected a man who was very persuasive, but never necessarily promised that he would be superman, for all the special interest groups, who rode his coattails. How can we even begin to pass judgment, when we have already experienced a horrendous mismanagement of government, seen in the previous administration? Have we forgotten maybe a little too soon, those 8 years of stumble after stumble? While I'm not saying that we should be at our president's feet, I am saying we would appreciate his efforts and support progress. So when walkin' into the new year help your president out and realize that he is making an effort, ya demanding, low approval having, Tea Party rallying jokes!

2010 Top 5 Celeb Upgrades

I'm giving you, the top five jokes who straight up owned this year. While some may not appear on other list, these jokes have slated themselves for a very promising new year. I know I like to rag on these jokes but I also give credit where credit is due. This has been a monumental year and we can look forward to many more jokes to come in 2011. I am chomping at the bit to see what happens.

Oprah
Why: Cause she's got it like that. Cause she doesn't need her own show anymore. She has her own network OWN. Cause I will continue to mention Oprah so I will have a chance to survive the Oprah takeover.



















The Cast of Glee
Why: Cause if one of them picks their nose, its news.


















James Cameron
Why: Because of him, everything is in 2010 is 3D and I now pay 16$ instead of the fairly priced 12$ for movie tickets. Thanks James.



















Justin Bieber
Why: Because any video of his on Youtube has at least 20 million hits if not 100 million. He can barely sing, yet can make any tweanie bopper cry on the spot, stalk him, and throw bottles or panties or flowers as he performs on stage.
J. Bieber is ridiculous in more ways than one. He is just a trend that won't go away. Humfp...

















You Jokes
Why: Now that you are a part of my family, of course I'm gonna' give you an upgrade spot. You are part of those who know better. Upgrade!

This Year in Jokes!!!

From: Lindsey Lohan's Free Fall From Grace
The girl has lost her mind more times than I can count. I don't know what will snap her back into reality in the new year, but let's all hope she doesn't get the opportunity to reign in the new year with a bottle of whiskey, or pills, or whatever else she might be able to get her hands on.


To: Glee Making Me Vom on a Weekly Basis

From the GQ cover, to the Jay- Z episode. I feel like I'm on the worst roller coaster ride of number after number and I want the new year to be bringing me some sort of anti- Glee. You can even make it like a stocking stuffer. Just secretly cancel the show and bring me Glee.




From: Four Loko Crackin' us Out
To set the record straight, I didn't have a single drop of this poison.

To: Four Loko Withdrawal as it's Removed From Shelves
I am now proud to say that I will never get the opportunity to drink it. Thank you FDA for realizing what college students were partyin' up to and saving thousands of idiot's lives. One point for FDA.

From: BP Spillin' all Over our Ocean
Wow. What a joke of a story this was. I can't even believe that companies get away with this nonsense.


To: The Glacier Paced cleanup!
Then it took forever for there to be a cleanup. Plus, tell me why with all the best scientist working on this thing, no one was able to figure how to build a man hole cover?

From: Pink Friday
Nicki Minaj blew up! I jumped on the band wagon and haven't got off since. Pink Friday is just too good. Everybody check it out!



To: Black Friday
If you want to be the person who is trampled at 5am, or better yet, the person who tramples an 85 year old grandmother of twelve at 5am, Black Friday is your holiday.







From: Palin's Alaska
The show had so much promise. I am so disappointed. If I wanted to watch a show about fishing I would have tuned in to The Deadliest Catch.




To: Dancin' With The Palin's
I am so glad this is over. I can only hope Bristol fades quickly away. I cannot stand this Palin coalition/ media domination. Make it stop. Thanks. Bye.








From: Hahahahahahaha


To: Hahahahahahaha



Happy New Year to You and Yours!

Christmas is the Holiday of Giving (To Yourself)

It is Christmas time again and while it is always nice to give to others, it's even better when you pick up something special for yourself. You know, that expensive Movado watch, instead of those hideous knitted socks you got from your grandma. Go out and get the flat screen TV you wanted, instead of the wacky tie your little bratty kids got you. Even better, just go out a get the thing YOU have always wanted, but never got because everyone else is too dense to think of getting it for you. It just makes that "happy" face, easier when you have to accept that 15th crappy gift that you will either never wear, or will remain in a box, or draw, or cabinet for years to come.

Yes, the holiday season involves a tad bit of gift giving, but who is to say that you can't get yourself a little something-something. Right? It makes holiday gift giving that much more special. Don't worry if the gift you got yourself this year, is the best you have gotten' for any person. You deserve it. You're the one gettin' up every day and dealing with your functional moron of a boss, and that unbearable co-worker who is going through a sloppy divorce and telling you every detail, to pay for all of these gifts. Yes! You deserve the gift you want this Christmas.

So while you pick up your last holiday fruit cake, or gift certificate from itunes, or self heating arch supporting massage slippers, stop. Think about what you really want this holiday season, turn and go get whatever the hell you want! Merry Freakin' Christmas ya jokes!

A little gift from me to you!

Dora Gets Ghetto

Yes my friends it's about that time. Another viral vid has come on my radar and as the saying goes, sharing is caring. Hope your guys enjoy this hilarious rendition of Dora The Explorer as much as I have. You know the deal, this is not for the little ones, but it gives you something to chuckle at, as you suffer through watching this show with those little rugrats. Somehow I wish my childhood cartoons could have been this gansta'! Just priceless. (Poor Juan Carlos though)

Miley Cyrus is Trippin! ( Literally)

TMZ has released of video of a certain Disney starlet flippin' out after taking a BONG HIT of the trippy drug Salvia. I guess that's one way to celebrate turning 18. I honestly could not believe what I was seeing. Apparently, there is a party in the USA and from the looks of it, it's on Miley's tour bus. If this doesn't confirm my Disney theory about all those kids being kinda' messed up, then I don't know what does. The girl is up there lookin' like a damn fool. She actually is sittin' at a party, lookin' crazy as hell, hallucinating her ex-boyfriend and cackling like jackal. I can safely say now, that I believe all the little rumors about this girl. I believe that the leaked pictures are her. I believe she might have reckless parents. I won't contest if someone calls her a little ho. I believe it all. This is definitely not this girl's first time gettin' down. I wish you could see me now, as I am beaming with excitement. This kind of train wreck, is the type I live for. Good luck Miley as you try to explain' this one. You double persona havin', ready for the Disney launch pad, crack-tastic JOKE!

Lebron Settlin' In

Lebron James just dropped 9 mil on a new house in Miami. It looks as if he is makin' himself right at home in his new city. Cleveland fans are turning over and over in the grave Lebron left, in that dying city of theirs. Lebron, you greedy basketball playin' chump. Shame on you, for stiffin' the people who had your back. I can only imagine what people in Miami are doin' behind your back, now. I know for sure your teammates aren't your biggest fans. But hey, if you start winnin' championships, all will be forgiven, right? At least for those in Miami. I don't think Cleveland is gonna' let this one go. Next time you want to skip out on people who really needed you, think about how much less that trophy will mean when you know that you had to sell out to get it. Ya mansion buyin', ego so big that your head will barely fit through the front door, 6 foot 8 inch JOKE!

I think this vid sums it all up! Here's to you King James.

Cheslea Handler Rips Angelina a New One

Late night comedian, Chelsea Handler lays into Actress/ Model/ Philanthropist/ Keeper of her own little "Small World ride" Angelina Jolie, at one of her comedy shows this past weekend in Jersey. Handler did not have the nicest things to say about the actress and pulled out the big woman to woman no-no. The C-word. Lets just say Handler has gotten very close with a particular "Friend" and is now being that beastly girlfriend who fights off anyone who's done her dear friend wrong.

I think this whole thing is a little ridiculous though. Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt have been divorced since 2005. Since then, Aniston has a gone through a number of boyfriends. Is it really necessary for her to continue to hate on a woman for five years, because things didn't work out with her former husband? In all honesty, if there is blame to be thrown around, it should go to dear old Brad. Angelina was just the opportunity to leave the marriage, Brad's the one that took it.

Listen up, Chelsea, you book writin', vodka drinkin', nugget lovin', 50 Cent datin' joke. Next time you get up on stage and start popping of at the mouth because your new bff is bitter about her former marriage, take a stab at what's really goin' down in that situation. Aniston hasn't had the best luck with the suitors following Brad. Why is that? I'm just sayin'...

OWN Is Touching Down

Oprah and her network are coming to a TV near you. Hide your kids . Hide your wife. Cause Oprah taken over everything up in here! The new commercial from the OWN network has surfaced and has reaffirmed what I have been saying for years. Oprah has a heavenly complex.The woman is literally floating through the clouds as she tells us how awesome her network is going to be. They pan around the world to all of these people with smiles from ear to ear. They have balloons flooding from every corner and just as the whole thing raps up with a Time Square take over, you're already hooked. Oprah, you both scare me and inspire me at the same time. I cannot believe how effortless you make world domination look. It's just crazy! O's DAY HITS JANUARY FIRST. THIS IS NOT A JOKE!